Love and Acceptance

You know what I've found since moving to this new place over a year ago? More love and acceptance than I could have ever dreamed of. It's not that I didn't feel that way when I was home, but there I felt like I had to keep a part of myself a secret from my family.

My 'family' here has been nothing but loving. I don't have to be afraid to be who I am and never have to doubt how they feel about me. Or perhaps they are nice to me because they need my help with school. It feels so good to be open and free to be who I am. My sister in law recently told me how proud she was of me, not just for how well I am doing academically, but also how happy I've been. I guess it's true. I feel accepted and loved unconditionally here. Back home I felt trapped because telling my parents I'm gay would mean rejection and untold terrors. I know how they will react- I know their views on homosexuality and I know how set they are in their ways. I know it'll one day get better after I tell them, but the pain and hurt is not something I can handle right now.

I really want to tell my sister and I know she and my brother will handle it well. I just can't trust that my brother will keep the secret for me. I am probably happier than I ever thought I could be. Being gay doesn't define who I am as a person. I am still the person everyone sees and knows. Who I fall in love with may not be traditional, but it's not something I can change so it's not something worth putting effort into trying to change.

There was a time I hated myself. I hated who I was, I hated myself for being gay. It was no way to live. I isolated myself, I let my emotions and hurt get out of control. I am glad that is no longer the case and it made me a stronger person today.

I love who I am and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope one day my parents will, too.

I hope that one day kids aren't bullied for being different or being gay. I don't want my children growing up in so much hate.

Thankful

Yeah yeah, time for some cornball cheesy thankfulness. It is that time of the year after all. Although I do find it ironic since early Americans pillaged and raped the land away from Native Americans. Small technicality, no?

Cynicism aside, I am thankful for a lot of things. I am thankful for almost being halfway done with pharmacy school and not screwing up quite yet. I am thankful for my family for always pushing me to do my best. I am thankful for my fluffy dog that pretty much every thing in the world so much better with just a snuggle.

I can't even begin to start with the amazing people I have in my life. I have such a wonderful support group of friends and I don't know where I would be without them. They make me smile and help me get through the day when I just want to throw my hands up in defeat. They provide the much needed comic relief in the sometimes all too serious environment of the library.

I am thankful for my blog friends that I sometimes share a part of myself that I seldom share with people I actually know. I think anonymity makes one braver when sharing secrets.

Finally, I am thankful for my ex-fiance. No, we're not getting back together, but I feel like this (hopefully) will be the last mention of her on this blog. I don't regret falling in love with her. As much as she drives me crazy with phone calls and texts, I wouldn't go back and wish our relationship never happened. My life, however exponentially complicated it has gotten lately, was made richer because I had a great love in my life. I no longer believe it was meant to be, but it was meant to happen.

I don't know why I am so happy right now, but I feel great and I can't stop smiling.

Med Chem is useless.

I hate med chem (medicinal chemistry). I have hated o-chem for quite some time... and med chem really has not helped me like it any better.

First off, I find this course extremely useless. It's not on the NAPLEX and unless I want to pursue industry (which I do not) I am most likely never ever going to use this again.

Secondly, I don't know why I just don't get this stuff. I mean I have a general understanding, but it seems I falter when I try and put it all together. When I see functional groups I tend to miss the whole thing, calling something that's supposed to be an amide a ketone and a secondary amine. I just look at the whole drug structure and it seems like a giant cluster-f-ck of things. And metabolic reactions? Blah. For the most part I get it... then there are times where I feel like a dumbass.

I just feel like this course should be an elective for the 1% of my class that actually wants to go into industry. Please, tell me how this course can be useful for any other branch of pharmacy that does not deal with drug research/development.

Well... back to studying functional groups.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Ok, so today it's actually a day late in the US, but in the UK it's today! So yes, back on topic. Oct 11 is national coming out day for many many countries. I actually completely forgot about it until I saw a number of facebook updates on it. It's been a pretty hectic week for me, so forgive my lateness on this post.

National coming out day is just a day, but it's a day to kind of celebrate who you are as a person. "Never be afraid to be yourself." Those words made me smile. I'm not sorry for who I am, but I do know what it feels like to be afraid to be yourself. It's hard having to come out over and over again in your life. Sometimes you don't care what the other person will think and other times you brace yourself for rejection from people you care about.

I came out 6 years ago to my friends and some of my family. It's been a hard road, but the first time I came out was so relieving. My friends were so loving and supportive and I could not have asked for a better first experience. I chose who I came out to very carefully and when an extended family member came out to me a few years ago during dinner I nearly choked on my food. The exact words were: "So... cousin... I'm gay. Please don't hate me." Now that's why I choked. I could only cough some food away and sputter "What?! Me too! And why on earth would you think I would hate you?!

It just goes to show you family can be quite surprising... and how much we both fear coming out to our entire family. I'm lucky to have the support that I do. I'm not sorry about who I am. My sexuality is only a minor part of me. Why it's such a big deal to some is so very perplexing.

I came out again last year. First to my gay husband, who pretty much came out to me and then said "So is there something YOU need to tell me? Hmmm?" I feel so lucky to have him here. He is my rock when I need him and one of the best friends I could ever ask for. Then it came easy to come out to the rest of my friends at pharmacy school. Actually, I have been outed numerous times. It's kind of annoying, but what can I do? If they don't like it that's their problem. It's like hating me for being Asian. I can't change it, they can go f- themselves.

Many of my classmates actually wished me a happy coming out day. Haha. I like to play around with them and say with a straight (haha) face that "What? I'm not gay. Have you met my husband? Pretty sure he's a man..." It's even funnier when they just laugh hysterically at that. We're just too gay for words I guess. Granted I don't look extremely gay, but I guess once you get to know me it makes sense? I never really understand these comments.

Anywho, back to studying for me! I hope everyone had a wonderful day.

Brain is full

I feel overwhelmed right now. There's so much information to process, learn, and memorize! This year is definitely not as easy as first year, not that I expected it to be. I knew it was going to be harder, but I don't think I anticipated how hard it was going to be to balance everything.

The worst of it is over. I felt like I was running around every day for the past month between school, extracurricular activities, and work. I'm having trouble finding my "groove" this year. Last year I jumped into my regular study routine rather easily, but this year I just can't get the motivation up to do it. I think I'm over committed and my mind and body are just exhausted.

So until next time, I'm still alive (barely)! The only funny thing that happened recently was this:

We have a building that have glass windows from the floor up to the ceiling on certain sides. I was in such a rush that I ran straight into the window thinking it was a door. And yes, the room was full of other students. FAIL. I jumped back and ran for the door without looking back and pretty much kept running until I got to my next class.

Life and Death

As we grow older we learn and experience so many new things. We live, we learn, we gain new friends and lose others whether just in the shuffle of life or in death. I'm thankful for all the people I've had in my life whether I knew them for a night (not in the sexual way you dirty people) or I've known them my whole life. I've learned so much from the people in my life and it makes me smile knowing that even if just briefly, I had them in my life.

I'm writing today because I've lost a friend. It's not the first loss I've experienced and certainly will not be the last, but death is something no matter how many times you've gone through it, it never gets any easier. We weren't close, in fact she was a friend I met through my family. I considered her a friend because of the lasting impact she made on me on the few times we did meet. She had a great witty sarcastic outlook on life and always made me smile and laugh.

I was sad to learned that she had passed on, not even being aware that she was sick. She was a strong independent woman, so I'm not surprised I didn't know. The touching words friends have left for her truly show what a remarkable woman she was.

Death has taught me one of the most valuable things I always try to remember. You never know how much time you have with someone and it will never seem long enough. It has taught me to cherish the moments that I've shared with people I love. I keep those happy memories close and even if they fade with time, a reminder never fails to make me smile.

I was young when I experienced my first significant loss. It was the first time I understood the finality of death and how much it could weigh on you. To this day I remember certain parts of the funeral so vividly. I try to keep what little I remember, yet it seems so much harder with every passing year. For everyone I have lost I try to remember at least a few happy moments I was fortunate enough to share with them to keep their memory alive in my heart an in my mind.

Life seems so hectic now with classes, studies, and work. I feel overwhelmed and envious of friends that are getting married and having a family. I am probably closer with my friends that have children than those that don't because I adore children. I guess my friends are grateful because I'm their free babysitter, but I love it so much. They tease me that I'm ready to have kids and my terrified look always makes for a good laugh. I know I'll be ready some day, definitely after the insanity of school is over.

I know talking about babies and death in the same entry seems a bit odd, but for me it's inter-related. For me these two things continue to teach me more about life than any class could. I'm a lucky person, even though sometimes I do feel hopeless. These experiences help get me through the hopeless times to the hopeful times. And I truly hope this has given someone a new outlook on life and death. And I hopeTSD, who recently experienced a devastating loss is doing as well as she can be.

One day at a time.

Breaking up with my fiance earlier this year was quite possibly one of the hardest things I've had to do. It definitely tops off the list of reasons why I'm not so fond of 2011. I wish I could say I handled it gracefully. Sadly, I spent the first few months doing destructive things. My school work suffered, my friends were unsure of how to act around me. Friends mentioning her name made me tense up and shut down. I doubted my choice and wondered if I should give in to her pleas and get back together.

There were days where I all I wanted to do was be safe in her arms again. Days when I wondered if I could ever feel that way about someone again.

I'm not quite sure how I did it, but I stayed with my convictions. And today I was able to mention her in a conversation without it bringing me down. My friends tensed at the mention of her name, watching for my reaction and wondering what was going through my mind. It feels good to know I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. It feels good to know that I can mention her without the lingering feeling of bitterness and hurt.

It still hurts to think about, but I can slowly feel myself being able to let this go. It's not much of a start, but a start nonetheless. Still taking it one day at a time, but at least it's getting easier.