Coming Out.

I've been thinking a lot about family lately. In my life, I am out in so many ways. I'm out at work, at school, to my friends, yet I am not in one of the most important parts of my life, my family. I'm not ashamed of who I am or things that I cannot change. I am who I am, I'm who they raised me to be. I work hard, I care deeply for those that are close to me, I was raised to love my family and be there for them, and I stand up for what I believe in. I know they didn't raise me to be gay, but I can't help who I am or who I love. It's not something neither they nor I can change.

The only thing I hate about being gay is the fear of losing my family. I know they love me and are proud of the person I have grown up to be and am continuing to grow into. It terrifies me that something I cannot change could cause me to lose one of the most important parts of my life. I know my friends say that it will take time and that they may surprise me and take it well, but they don't know my family like I do. The ones in my family I am out to pretty much feel the same way I do.

For years I have lived my life as fully and happily as I can. When people can't accept me for who I am, I remove them from my life and move on. Why keep someone in my life if they cannot accept me as I am? Yet it makes me feel like such a hypocrite because I cannot bring myself to come out to my family, because I can't walk away from them. I don't think I'm strong enough. Family is the most important thing to me.

My close friends tell me that I need to sooner rather than later, that they will have to accept it eventually and fuck them if they don't. I just can't. I do have an amazing group of friends that I consider a part of my family, but I can't just walk away.

What makes it harder now, is that I'm at that age where my parents want to see me find someone to marry. When my mom started talking about boyfriends and husbands I froze. I thought about the woman I almost married, the life we had planned to share, the family we wanted to have. Then I thought about the family my mom wants me to have, the one I won't have.

I plan big life decisions very carefully. Those big decisions include coming out to my family some day. My mom's sudden want to talk about getting married has really thrown a wrench in those plans. I always have alternate plans when things like this go wrong, why didn't I think of one for this?!

1 year down, 3 to go!

I am still in a bit of disbelief that I have completed my first year of pharmacy school. I'm grateful to be where I am today. It took a lot of hard work fixing past educational mistakes (aka bad grades) to get into pharmacy school and it was a struggle I wasn't sure I would be able to overcome. I remember being extremely excited to start, but equally nervous about the coursework. To my surprise, I did very well my first year. I still love what I do and what I'm learning, and that makes all the struggles worthwhile. I'm grateful for summer break and even though I'm excited and terrified for next year, I am excited for some R&R.

One thing I'm actually really upset about are some of my classmates. It's been circulating that we have some people in our class that have cheated on multiple exams throughout the year. What makes me even angrier is the school can't do anything unless they actually catch them and those that see the cheating going on just complain about it after the fact. Sure, no one likes being the person to "rat out" a classmate for cheating, but it's not fair to their future patients, or us as a class to let something like this go. I am friends with a few of those that have been cheating and I would honestly not just let it go because of our friendship. Correction, they were my friends, because I don't tolerate cheating. If my best friend were to ask me to help him cheat, it'd be over. Not that he ever would. We both worked too hard and come to far to jeopardize it with cheating. It's not that they are being accused without evidence, they have actually told other classmates about how awesome they are at cheating. What. The. F-ck. Who DOES that?

Cheating is a big deal. Sure, first year is a lot of basic stuff, but what about next year and the year after that? They could kill a patient some day. They could make mistakes that reflects poorly not only on our profession, but us as a class and school. It really pisses me off because a few of them have nearly perfect GPAs when those in my class who are struggling to pass are at least doing it honestly.

I kind of wish I noticed it during exams, but I am in my own little world of focus and terror during exams. Well, they better get ready to learn everything on our own. Several people have talked professors and the dean about it. If they get caught and for whatever reason are allowed to stay, I think they need to start over from the beginning.

I know I may sound idealistic, but cheating has no place in a profession that holds the lives of other people in their hands. I know it happens in medical school, dental school, etc too, but it is not something that should be tolerated or taken lightly.

Procrastination

Ah, procrastination brings me back here yet again.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Unfortunately it's rarely about school unless I'm having anxiety over my courses. Most of it is about my ex, which is really no surprise. As much as I still love her, I know I can't get back together with her, no matter how much she pushes. I just can't forget what's been done. I just wish I still wasn't so in love with her. It's thrown a wrench in a lot of my school work. I've lost so much focus, and it's driving me crazy!

I was on a weekend trip for a school org (I know, I'm a super nerd). Let me tell you, the number of queers that belong to this organization blew my mind in the best possible way. My gaydar was going off in all directions! I was getting hit on a lot, which is unusual. At the bars one woman dominated/demanded my attention. I had way too much to drink and before I knew it she was kissing me on the dance floor. She was really attractive, funny, and I was enjoying her company, but as soon as she kissed me alarms went off in my head.

It drives me crazy that another woman kissing me is making me feel like I'm cheating, when I'm single. We danced most of the night, she kissed me several times and then some. When we got back to the hotel she asked me what I wanted to do. Shit. I pretty much ran away. 1) I don't sleep with someone I just meet 2) I was still freaking out in my head a little.

I hope this goes away soon.

Saving lives, one fetus at a time.

FYI: From the title you may think this might be some kind of pro-life post. It is not. For the record, I am pro-choice because I am a flamingly liberal homosexual. There. I said it.

I was filling in at one of my stores a while ago and the pharmacist for whatever reason was trusting me to consult (under supervision of course). I found this rather surprising since I had never worked with her before and most people would rather just do it themselves than have to watch a student do it slowly. It was actually a really busy day for us. I'm only a first year, so I know better than to just consult blindly. Hell I'll still be asking questions if I don't know something years from now. Most of my consultations were really easy that day on antibiotics, NSAIDs, etc. I've become quite confident in my ability to consult on antibiotics especially.

As I was going over a seemingly routine consult with a patient, I look up and into her eyes and say "Do not take any alcohol with this." I find that if I do this, they take it more seriously and are actually listening to what I am telling them. She smiles and says "Don't worry, I'm pregnant, so I'm not drinking alcohol anyways."

I'm not very comfortable with what medications can be taken during a pregnancy, so I asked her who prescribed this medication for her. When she told me it was her OBGYN I thought, well I'm assuming her doctor is aware of the pregnancy, but in my experience people make crazy mistakes all the time. That and something about it was really bothering me. I asked her to give me a few minutes, since I am a student and I just wanted to make sure that the medication would be safe for her to take during her pregnancy.

My pharmacist and I were discussing it and looked it up on clinical pharmacology. The words contraindicated in first trimester of pregnancy stood out to me because she was in her first trimester. Shit. At that moment I was so relieved I didn't just let that go. When we told her what we had found out, she was furious. Well, not furious with us, she was pretty thankful that we checked. I guess she's been having a lot of problems with her OBGYN. She thanked us and stormed off (without the medication obviously).

I kind of stood there in a bit of shock. My pharmacist told me I had done an excellent job in catching that and should do great when I take the boards soon. Soon?? I'm only a first year! I guess she thought I was a third or fourth year. I think that caught her off guard, but she had a good laugh about that. I'm just glad I didn't give a prescription to a pregnant lady that could cause birth defects or miscarriage.

Days like these, reminds me how much I love what I do and that I really am where I want to be.

Changes

Life brings a lot of changes. Some changes are quick and noticeable, and sometimes it's slow and subtle. I find that I change a lot every year and always for the better. Maybe it's because I grow up more and more every year.

This past year was pretty intense. I got into pharmacy school. I met a woman that changed my life. I met people that changed my life. And now, everything is changing again. I'm almost done with my first year of pharmacy school. I've succeeded beyond my own expectations. It's amazing actually, how well I've adjusted, how well I've done. I worked hard and it really paid off.

Then there's the woman that changed my life. She made me fall in love with her over and over again, no matter how many times I tried to let go. Why? Because I was afraid of getting hurt. She has this amazing ability to change my perspective on life. I don't think I ever thought I could love someone this way. When she asked me to marry her I was in shock and disbelief. This absolutely smart, gorgeous, funny, kind woman wanted to spend her life with me. She must be crazy. But I said yes. I didn't have time to post about this before because my life was literally turned upside down and traveling at the speed of light.

Then just as quickly as it happened, she is breaking my heart. Suddenly things have changed between us yet again. The woman that once would tell me anything and everything suddenly went silent. I was talking to a stranger, yet she accused me of being the stranger. I feel so lost and confused. What happened to her vision of our future? One that I finally let myself imagine along with her.

Things change in an instant, or so they seem. Maybe it was something that was slowly changing right before our eyes, but we realized it much too late. It hurts.

Life isn't without its ups and downs. I feel lucky to have loved her, even if it has left a feeling of emptiness inside of me for now. I know one day I'll be able to look back on this and smile. It'll just be another one of those slow subtle changes that will take me by surprise yet again. I just wish it wouldn't leave such a nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Gay Bars Story Time

Well, since I'm procrastinating on the piles of things I need to learn by tomorrow and the next several weeks I thought I'd share with you all a funny story. Well, to me it's funny.

So there was once a gay bar in a wondrous place with shiny lights and happy queens squealing in delight.

Ok, that was weird. Let's have a normal story time.

So there we were, celebrating my gay hubby's birthday with some of his friends. I was so drunk, I literally couldn't feel feelings. Not your emotional feelings, but actual sensory feelings. I'm sure if someone hit me with a chair I would have fallen down, but probably would have gotten right back up. Well, if I could get the balance together to do so. I was probably 3 times over my normal limit (normal limit is 2 drinks haha), and I was dancing like a fool and not bothered by the plethora of penises that were definitely rubbing up on me.

Oh what's the harm, they are all gay right?? Well sometimes I wonder. I had random gay guys walk up to me and ask to touch my boobs. Seriously, they would walk up to me and say "Wow. Can I please touch your boobs?" (For the record, I don't have huge breasts. I have no idea why they chose me.)

You would think my husband would protect me, but no of course not. Instead he says "YEAH! It's easy, just do this! HONK!" Luckily, I was too drunk to be too horrified that he had just grabbed my boob, and so started the train of boys awkwardly grabbing my boob.

Seriously. You know they are gay, when they are intrigued, yet not quite sure how to "touch it". Thank freaking goodness I was hammered, because the next morning I woke up and said WHAT. THE. F-CK?!

Anyways, so after about 4 gay guys grabbed me, two of which I had literally just met, the liquor was doing its job and I had to pee. Gay guy bars, have really shitty women's bathrooms. How shitty you ask?

Well, let's see. There was one stall. The toilet had no seat. Oh yeah, and the stall had no door. I am actually weirded out at the series of events that proceeded, but apparently I just didn't care then. There were a lot of women there too, and as always there was a line.

So I'm doing my business, trying to ignore the fact there is no door, and then I look up and this girl is literally staring at me. Seriously? Yeah, look away after I spot you staring. Maybe she was trying to look down my shirt. At least she was cute. Maybe I should have gotten her number. Haha.

I come back to my boys to find them equally hammered and extremely intrigued by strobe lights. Gay boys and strobe lights. Go figure. The rest of the night was very normal in comparison to those two specific incidents.

I hope you all enjoyed story time. I guess I should put in some study time now. Maybe.

Home stretch.

I am so exhausted. We have so many exams this next month, I am not sure how I will survive. I'm talking over 10 exams in the next 4 weeks. It's quite a bit more than 10, but for the sake of anonymity let's just leave it at that. This doesn't include weekly quizzes and assignments either.

It's also freaking freezing, so a lot of us are sick. It's kind of disgusting when you're in a silent room taking an exam, but then hear random loud sniffles of people sucking snot back up their nose. Gross!

I just need to get past these next 4 weeks and life will be amazing once again. Just gotta take it one exam at a time.