Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear You

--Don't judge me, I've gotten 3 hours of sleep the past three days, went to work, then tutored for a 2 hours. I have no idea how I am conscious, or even conscious enough to write this. But it did make me feel better about 'what was'. --

Dear You,

I spent so many years in love with you! You were my best friend. You made sure I stayed on track. You read books and watched tv while making sure I got my thesis done or studied for my exams. Just being in the same room with you made me feel better, even if we didn't say a word.

I started falling for you the day I met you. You weren't expecting someone in the dorms until the actual move in date. Apparently, they forgot to inform you that the University's marching band members move in a week before everyone else. That first week we had together was so much fun. I had no idea we would not only stay friends after that first year, but you would become my best friend.

I know we went through a lot of rough times through the years, and I'm so sorry for any hurt that I caused you. I am so thankful you were there for me when I needed you the most. I struggled so long with the feelings I had for you. I was so confused. When I realized, 'Oh my god, I'm gay.' I realized why these feelings for you would not go away. When I came out to you, I couldn't stop crying. Not because it was hard accepting who I was, it was hard telling you because you meant so much to me.

You have no idea how much it meant to me, that even after my breakdown, we went about our day and nothing between us had changed. I never told you I loved you. During my last two years at school, we were inseparable. Well, when I wasn't in my lab at least. You helped me keep my sanity and kept me from drowning under all of my work. You kept me anchored and kept me from sinking into the pile of biochemistry courses and thesis writings. You kept me sane.

Ironically, loving you drove me insane sometimes. When it came time for me to move, I felt so lost. The first month away from you was so hard. Going from never going two days without seeing each other to never seeing each other at all was so hard. I buried myself in my new job, my family, anything that distracted me from missing you. Three years later, it feels good to know that you our friendship is still strong. We may not see each other more than once every few years, but we always picked up like I had never left at all.

Sometimes I still miss you, and feel like I'm still in love with you. Maybe a small part of me will always be in love with you. All the same, I just wanted to say: I miss you, I love you, you are one amazing best friend. I couldn't have asked for more.



Thursday, May 13, 2010


Wednesday nights have become one of my favorite nights. It's usually the night girlfriend doesn't have to work at the hospital, I get off shift early, and it's our GLEE night. The best part is not having to work the next day. It's pretty much the only part of our schedules that don't clash.

I really love spending time with her. I haven't really felt this way about anyone in a long time. It's just the impending move to the midwest that's got me nervous. We've only been together 2 and a half months, but we've gotten pretty attached to each other. In three months I'm moving 2/3 of the way across the country. I know it's time we stop glossing over this fact, pretending it's not coming as soon a it really is. Her surgical residency is here. My school is there.

My timing really sucks. As much as trying to do a long distance thing would suck, but let us stay together, it just doesn't seem feasible. I don't plan on flying back very often because I'll be trying to find clinical internships that will most likely be out there as well, she can't visit, because she barely has enough time to sleep and see me right now as it is.

It's like we've hit this huge roadblock and neither of us is really sure what to do.