Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Coming Out.

I've been thinking a lot about family lately. In my life, I am out in so many ways. I'm out at work, at school, to my friends, yet I am not in one of the most important parts of my life, my family. I'm not ashamed of who I am or things that I cannot change. I am who I am, I'm who they raised me to be. I work hard, I care deeply for those that are close to me, I was raised to love my family and be there for them, and I stand up for what I believe in. I know they didn't raise me to be gay, but I can't help who I am or who I love. It's not something neither they nor I can change.

The only thing I hate about being gay is the fear of losing my family. I know they love me and are proud of the person I have grown up to be and am continuing to grow into. It terrifies me that something I cannot change could cause me to lose one of the most important parts of my life. I know my friends say that it will take time and that they may surprise me and take it well, but they don't know my family like I do. The ones in my family I am out to pretty much feel the same way I do.

For years I have lived my life as fully and happily as I can. When people can't accept me for who I am, I remove them from my life and move on. Why keep someone in my life if they cannot accept me as I am? Yet it makes me feel like such a hypocrite because I cannot bring myself to come out to my family, because I can't walk away from them. I don't think I'm strong enough. Family is the most important thing to me.

My close friends tell me that I need to sooner rather than later, that they will have to accept it eventually and fuck them if they don't. I just can't. I do have an amazing group of friends that I consider a part of my family, but I can't just walk away.

What makes it harder now, is that I'm at that age where my parents want to see me find someone to marry. When my mom started talking about boyfriends and husbands I froze. I thought about the woman I almost married, the life we had planned to share, the family we wanted to have. Then I thought about the family my mom wants me to have, the one I won't have.

I plan big life decisions very carefully. Those big decisions include coming out to my family some day. My mom's sudden want to talk about getting married has really thrown a wrench in those plans. I always have alternate plans when things like this go wrong, why didn't I think of one for this?!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

1 year down, 3 to go!

I am still in a bit of disbelief that I have completed my first year of pharmacy school. I'm grateful to be where I am today. It took a lot of hard work fixing past educational mistakes (aka bad grades) to get into pharmacy school and it was a struggle I wasn't sure I would be able to overcome. I remember being extremely excited to start, but equally nervous about the coursework. To my surprise, I did very well my first year. I still love what I do and what I'm learning, and that makes all the struggles worthwhile. I'm grateful for summer break and even though I'm excited and terrified for next year, I am excited for some R&R.

One thing I'm actually really upset about are some of my classmates. It's been circulating that we have some people in our class that have cheated on multiple exams throughout the year. What makes me even angrier is the school can't do anything unless they actually catch them and those that see the cheating going on just complain about it after the fact. Sure, no one likes being the person to "rat out" a classmate for cheating, but it's not fair to their future patients, or us as a class to let something like this go. I am friends with a few of those that have been cheating and I would honestly not just let it go because of our friendship. Correction, they were my friends, because I don't tolerate cheating. If my best friend were to ask me to help him cheat, it'd be over. Not that he ever would. We both worked too hard and come to far to jeopardize it with cheating. It's not that they are being accused without evidence, they have actually told other classmates about how awesome they are at cheating. What. The. F-ck. Who DOES that?

Cheating is a big deal. Sure, first year is a lot of basic stuff, but what about next year and the year after that? They could kill a patient some day. They could make mistakes that reflects poorly not only on our profession, but us as a class and school. It really pisses me off because a few of them have nearly perfect GPAs when those in my class who are struggling to pass are at least doing it honestly.

I kind of wish I noticed it during exams, but I am in my own little world of focus and terror during exams. Well, they better get ready to learn everything on our own. Several people have talked professors and the dean about it. If they get caught and for whatever reason are allowed to stay, I think they need to start over from the beginning.

I know I may sound idealistic, but cheating has no place in a profession that holds the lives of other people in their hands. I know it happens in medical school, dental school, etc too, but it is not something that should be tolerated or taken lightly.