I've been thinking a lot about family lately. In my life, I am out in so many ways. I'm out at work, at school, to my friends, yet I am not in one of the most important parts of my life, my family. I'm not ashamed of who I am or things that I cannot change. I am who I am, I'm who they raised me to be. I work hard, I care deeply for those that are close to me, I was raised to love my family and be there for them, and I stand up for what I believe in. I know they didn't raise me to be gay, but I can't help who I am or who I love. It's not something neither they nor I can change.
The only thing I hate about being gay is the fear of losing my family. I know they love me and are proud of the person I have grown up to be and am continuing to grow into. It terrifies me that something I cannot change could cause me to lose one of the most important parts of my life. I know my friends say that it will take time and that they may surprise me and take it well, but they don't know my family like I do. The ones in my family I am out to pretty much feel the same way I do.
For years I have lived my life as fully and happily as I can. When people can't accept me for who I am, I remove them from my life and move on. Why keep someone in my life if they cannot accept me as I am? Yet it makes me feel like such a hypocrite because I cannot bring myself to come out to my family, because I can't walk away from them. I don't think I'm strong enough. Family is the most important thing to me.
My close friends tell me that I need to sooner rather than later, that they will have to accept it eventually and fuck them if they don't. I just can't. I do have an amazing group of friends that I consider a part of my family, but I can't just walk away.
What makes it harder now, is that I'm at that age where my parents want to see me find someone to marry. When my mom started talking about boyfriends and husbands I froze. I thought about the woman I almost married, the life we had planned to share, the family we wanted to have. Then I thought about the family my mom wants me to have, the one I won't have.
I plan big life decisions very carefully. Those big decisions include coming out to my family some day. My mom's sudden want to talk about getting married has really thrown a wrench in those plans. I always have alternate plans when things like this go wrong, why didn't I think of one for this?!