Conflicted

As the year winds down and everything is getting more complicated for me. Do I do a residency? Do I stay in this relationship I've found myself in? Do I take that job?

I'm torn and at crossroads in both my personal and professional life.

I don't think I'll be happy taking that job, but conversely I don't know if I'll be happy doing a residency. I feel lost. I worked so hard these past three years to make myself a competitive candidate and now I'm not even sure that's what I want anymore. Is it fear of failure? As much as being challenged appeals to me, I don't know if I am cut out for it. I don't want to burn out, but I don't want to settle.

It doesn't help that I'm so conflicted about my relationship. She makes me happier, but at the same time she hurts me. A part of me feels like I'm just afraid to let go because saying goodbye to her breaks my heart. She puts a smile on my face whenever we get to talk. But... at the same time, when she pulls away from me it hurts. I know she's scared. I know this is just as hard for her as it is for me, but it's hard not to hurt when it happens. It's hard not to want to pull away, too so I can protect my own heart.

A part of me feels like she's ashamed of me. I feel like a secret she doesn't want anyone to know about. Maybe it's true and maybe it's not.

I deserve someone who will love me for who I am. I deserve someone that will let herself fall, even if it's terrifying.

But I want her.