Most of us have experienced heartbreak. That aching and sadness that lingers for so long after a break up. It effects most of us in most if not all parts of our lives. We try to separate and compartmentalize. In a profession where at times peoples lives hang in the balance, it's important to be able to focus on that and not on your own emotions.
Losing someone I fell in love with has been so tough on me. She meant more to me than anyone else really ever has. I find myself wanting to cry as my mind wanders back to her while waiting for my shift to start at the hospital. I find myself wondering how she's doing, what she's up to, and what's going on in her life. I find myself hating myself for every single thing I did wrong. I am trying so hard not to let it effect my work, but sometimes it does overwhelm me. I try not to let it effect my relationship with my friends. I am actually quite adept at hiding my feelings around others. That fake happy smile I've grown accustomed to giving the crazies at the pharmacy, I find myself giving to my friends. Which is why I find it alarming that even doing that is becoming difficult.
I know I should lean on my friends for support. I know I should talk about how I'm feeling, but I can't. The only person I want to talk about this with is the one person I can't. I'm not used to that. The only person I trusted enough to share that guarded side of me is gone. I lied and told her that I was just an open person, but the truth of it all was, it was just because it was so easy with her. It surprised me how quickly and how fully I learned to trust her.
I was in the ICU the other day... with an elderly woman and my team. They needed to check her back and the way they moved her caused her pain. I quickly stepped in to support her head and neck and I found myself trying to comfort her because I could tell she was in so much pain. As I supported her head and stroked her hair she closed her eyes and breathed a little easier. I almost cried because she reminded me of my grandmother whom I also recently lost. I was angry with myself because I am usually able to separate myself from these situations. To focus on the emergencies at hand and objectively focus on my patients... but I was unexpectedly vulnerable that day. As I tried to comfort her my thoughts went back to my grandmother. It was exactly a year ago that she passed that day. My ex got me through that loss. She kept me smiling and going through that time where I wanted to give up. I was burnt out and angry, but she helped me pick myself up and keep going.
I know these feelings will pass. It's just so hard to know that my best friend doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and its my fault. I guess it's easier to tell strangers through text than trying to talk to my friends.
I'm sorry for the Debbie downer post...
I hate to end the blog this way so I hopefully will not. Match results are one week from today... so perhaps I'll have happier news to share then.