Brain is full

I feel overwhelmed right now. There's so much information to process, learn, and memorize! This year is definitely not as easy as first year, not that I expected it to be. I knew it was going to be harder, but I don't think I anticipated how hard it was going to be to balance everything.

The worst of it is over. I felt like I was running around every day for the past month between school, extracurricular activities, and work. I'm having trouble finding my "groove" this year. Last year I jumped into my regular study routine rather easily, but this year I just can't get the motivation up to do it. I think I'm over committed and my mind and body are just exhausted.

So until next time, I'm still alive (barely)! The only funny thing that happened recently was this:

We have a building that have glass windows from the floor up to the ceiling on certain sides. I was in such a rush that I ran straight into the window thinking it was a door. And yes, the room was full of other students. FAIL. I jumped back and ran for the door without looking back and pretty much kept running until I got to my next class.

Life and Death

As we grow older we learn and experience so many new things. We live, we learn, we gain new friends and lose others whether just in the shuffle of life or in death. I'm thankful for all the people I've had in my life whether I knew them for a night (not in the sexual way you dirty people) or I've known them my whole life. I've learned so much from the people in my life and it makes me smile knowing that even if just briefly, I had them in my life.

I'm writing today because I've lost a friend. It's not the first loss I've experienced and certainly will not be the last, but death is something no matter how many times you've gone through it, it never gets any easier. We weren't close, in fact she was a friend I met through my family. I considered her a friend because of the lasting impact she made on me on the few times we did meet. She had a great witty sarcastic outlook on life and always made me smile and laugh.

I was sad to learned that she had passed on, not even being aware that she was sick. She was a strong independent woman, so I'm not surprised I didn't know. The touching words friends have left for her truly show what a remarkable woman she was.

Death has taught me one of the most valuable things I always try to remember. You never know how much time you have with someone and it will never seem long enough. It has taught me to cherish the moments that I've shared with people I love. I keep those happy memories close and even if they fade with time, a reminder never fails to make me smile.

I was young when I experienced my first significant loss. It was the first time I understood the finality of death and how much it could weigh on you. To this day I remember certain parts of the funeral so vividly. I try to keep what little I remember, yet it seems so much harder with every passing year. For everyone I have lost I try to remember at least a few happy moments I was fortunate enough to share with them to keep their memory alive in my heart an in my mind.

Life seems so hectic now with classes, studies, and work. I feel overwhelmed and envious of friends that are getting married and having a family. I am probably closer with my friends that have children than those that don't because I adore children. I guess my friends are grateful because I'm their free babysitter, but I love it so much. They tease me that I'm ready to have kids and my terrified look always makes for a good laugh. I know I'll be ready some day, definitely after the insanity of school is over.

I know talking about babies and death in the same entry seems a bit odd, but for me it's inter-related. For me these two things continue to teach me more about life than any class could. I'm a lucky person, even though sometimes I do feel hopeless. These experiences help get me through the hopeless times to the hopeful times. And I truly hope this has given someone a new outlook on life and death. And I hopeTSD, who recently experienced a devastating loss is doing as well as she can be.

One day at a time.

Breaking up with my fiance earlier this year was quite possibly one of the hardest things I've had to do. It definitely tops off the list of reasons why I'm not so fond of 2011. I wish I could say I handled it gracefully. Sadly, I spent the first few months doing destructive things. My school work suffered, my friends were unsure of how to act around me. Friends mentioning her name made me tense up and shut down. I doubted my choice and wondered if I should give in to her pleas and get back together.

There were days where I all I wanted to do was be safe in her arms again. Days when I wondered if I could ever feel that way about someone again.

I'm not quite sure how I did it, but I stayed with my convictions. And today I was able to mention her in a conversation without it bringing me down. My friends tensed at the mention of her name, watching for my reaction and wondering what was going through my mind. It feels good to know I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. It feels good to know that I can mention her without the lingering feeling of bitterness and hurt.

It still hurts to think about, but I can slowly feel myself being able to let this go. It's not much of a start, but a start nonetheless. Still taking it one day at a time, but at least it's getting easier.