Thursday, January 8, 2009

Scrambled entry anyone?

(I started a story, forgot the point, so I went in a different direction. Oops.)

Story time:

So one of the people that really help me come out to myself years ago was my British friend, I’ll call her B for British ha. We met one serendipitous day and from then on my life as I knew it changed. Sure, I had been denying the huge crush I had on my best friend since the day I met her, but somehow B really helped me figure out what all these crazy feelings were all about. B is one of those people who will make you laugh, blush, and grin like a dork all the time. The more I was around her and talked to her the more I realized I was gay. None of the guys I had dated even came close to making me feel the way my best friend and B made me feel. The difference between my best friend and B was that B was bi. So there was always shameless flirting present in our conversations. I never knew I could flirt until I met her. Haha.

When I finally came out to my best friend a few months later there was crying involved. I hate crying, but for some reason telling her made me cry. She made me laugh and made sure that I knew this changed nothing between us. That she would always be my friend gay or straight. I’m not sure if she knew about the huge crush I had on her back then, I’d rather not ask haha. Life went on and didn’t implode like I feared it would. Meanwhile B and I got closer and closer, to the point where part of the night I spent studying was spent talking to her. Yep, she was infringing on my precious studying time heh. By this time I had actually made a few gay friends. One thought I was awesome and scary because I actually liked chemistry, and she is still someone I really hold close to my heart. A great friend. After B left, she helped me get over ‘the one that got away’. I miss spending time with her. Between our busy lives and hectic schedules we rarely talk anymore, but when we do it’s like no time had passed at all. She was someone I confided in about B and my best friend. We spent so much time together people began getting suspicious, and if they asked we’d laugh. It was one of those we’re such good friends it’d be weird to cross the line.

You know what? I think I just forgot the whole point to this story while I was busy reminiscing. Haha. Bad me. I’m sorry.

Right now I am just happy knowing that I made the right choice to go to school where I did. Leaving behind ‘home’ and all things familiar for the unknown a thousand miles from ‘home’, and made a new one. I can’t imagine my life without these wonderful people in my life. Though I’m sad that I had to leave it, I know that I still have more travels and more unknowns to explore and make another home in.

And random insert:
Californians are lazy. Take me for example, remember the girl I told you about a few entries back? She lives about at least 60 minutes north of me (without traffic, probably 2 hours with traffic). As much as I enjoy talking to her, the distance really puts a damper on things. Especially between our work schedules, my school and applications, we’re not left with much free time. What do ya’ll think? (and by ya’ll I of course mean my people Shea and TSD haha. You’re probably the only two people that read this) I’m not sure if I want things to progress farther, or if it even can since we can’t really spend time together.


The Surprise Dyke said...

1-I love a great reminiscent story...sometimes getting off track is the best thing to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

2-Well if you're not ready for things to completely end maybe you could meet halfway for dinner or coffee or something and see if there is anything there to move forward with. That way both people are putting equal effort in and no one has to drive a super long time. Not really sure if that helped too much, but there are my two cents on the subject. Shea, your thoughts?

Carolyn said...

1- yes they do! I love the warm and fuzzy feelings that come with good memories.

2- That's a good idea. I like it =) But seeing as I'm Asian I'd probably get lost on the way there haha!

sheA said...

*my 2 cents( maybe 8.4567 cents) would include this-which would include comments about the first part of the entry...

ONE) I love the movie Serendipity, it is one of the movies I could watch over and over and never tire- so when I hear a real life seredipidy story about 2 people meeting---awwww yeah for seredipity.

TWO) I cried when I told a couple of my really close friends too, maybe it is because at that exact point in time you are laying EVERYTHING on the line and becoming the most vulnerable you will probably ever ever come, and in coming out to them- you are also coming out to yourself- and loving yourself more than you did the day before. And in their acceptance of you- well heck that is just one of the most over the top life experiences.

THREE) As usual I agree with That Astounding Lesbian ( SYNONYM for The Surprise Dyke- get it?!?!??! )

Make plans, coffee, lunch, dinner, walk in the park,half way between- find out if the chemistry you feel is worth the effort to try to match up time tables in spite of the busy schedule and distance...and if after getting together, you'll know whether its tie to move on, or if its time to try to make time in your busy day to say 'HeYyyYY Girl- how you doing'---
yeah- I can't say things quickly and to the point- so that's what I think....

Carolyn said...

Shea, you can leave as many cents as you'd like. Your thoughts are worth much more than 2 cents. hehe.

1) I do too! My cousin made me watch it one day, and I fell in love. Haha

2) I think you're right, I was so scared right at that moment. I was panicking when I said 'we need to talk' and when she turned off that TV I thought I was going to lose my nerve and not tell her at all.

3) You two are my dynamic gay duo. And great advice givers. Thanks for the suggestions!