Sunday, November 16, 2008


Maybe I've been retreating into books again, maybe a bit too much. Granted locking myself up alone for two days and reading three books isn't as bad as the time I read five in three days. Every once in a while people become too much for me. It's not that I don't love my friends or family, I just need time to myself. Time to step back away from everyone. I just get overwhelmed having to communicate with people all day and then sometimes force myself to go out and have a good time. I swear I can be a little hermit.

It's not that once I force myself to go out I have a crappy time. Quite the opposite really, I usually end up having a great time. So why is it so hard for me to drag myself out? I've just been thinking too much I suppose. Another good reason I should never be left alone with my thoughts.

It's so conflicting when I feel like I want to belong somewhere, but I never quite fit. When I want to be around people, yet just want to be left alone at the same time. I remember my first day moving 1000 miles away to go to school. I remember meeting my RA who turned out to be one of my best friends for the next four years. During those four years I found myself in a way, or I guess more accurately, accept myself for who I was.

I think being back home becomes overwhelming at times. I still feel like I have to hide who I am, yet at work and with friends I am proud and out. There's still that part of me that dreads the day I have to tell my parents. My pharmacist keeps asking when I'm going to tell them, and all I can say is "No no no no, no way, not yet." And as confused as they are when I seem to do backflips into the closet, I don't think they quite understand why it's so hard for me.

I am the first generation of my family to be born in the U.S. My parents are very traditional and very strict Asians. Especially my mom. Growing up, I blindly accepted their way of thinking because that's how you see the world when you're a kid. I didn't understand the word gay until my mom saw Ellen DeGeneres on TV and commented on what a horrible person she was and that she was "sick". So I grew up thinking it was terrible and wrong. High school came and I broke free from their way of thinking. I read, I learned, I absorbed. I joined the marching band, jazz band, wind ensemble, orchestra, swam, played softball, just to get away. Just to get out.

Then college applications came around, and I can't quite remember what drove me to this decision, but I narrowed it down to Northern CA, Colorado, or Boston. I think a big part was I hated the heat haha. So off I ran into Colorado, where there were four seasons, and skiing! But that's a long story for another day.

It's not that I don't want to tell them. I think it's the fear that holds me back the most. Hearing my mom's reaction to prop 8 and how much she hated gays, really broke my heart. My family is such a big part of my life. I guess it doesn't sound like that from this entry but they are. I love my cousins, and I love my family, and it'd break my heart to lose them. A few of my cousins know and still love me all the same, but I think we're still concerned about how our parents will react.

It sucks, because my aunts push me as a role model. I know some of my cousins look up to me. I'm the one that loves to take them out and we go out for "cousin dinners" and movies. I know they love me, but it doesn't scare the shit out of me at the thought of losing such a big part of my life. I'm just not ready for that yet. I notice a few of them saying that things are 'gay' and they are starting to get the "being gay is wrong" vibe and I try and steer the younger ones clear of that. The ones that are 16 and up are out there protesting with me. heh.

The thing is I can't lie to my cousins. I don't know what I'd say if they asked. Would I be silent? Would I laugh it off? Would I tell them? I guess it's lucky they probably won't ever ask. Heh.


The Surprise Dyke said...

Don't tell them until you are ready. It's not something you can rush, or need to rush. Wait until it feels right, and based on your family, until you are completely financially independent...fear can do things to people that we just don't understand. I'm not an advocate for staying in the closet forever, but I am an advocate for protecting yourself and being safe. You'll know when the right time to tell them is, trust your gut, it won't steer you wrong.

Carolyn said...

Thanks for the advice =)

I definitely do not plan to stay in the closet forever. Maybe in a few years when I am done with the rest of my schooling.

The Surprise Dyke said...

It may sound totally corny and mushy, but we are here for are our peoples and peoples is peoples...we've all been there, so yeah, I'm a total corny mushball...

Carolyn said...

Aww, it's a good thing I like corny mushballs. Because everyone needs a good dose of corny and mushy. It's want makes the world go round!

sheA said...

Jersey is right- take your time and you will know that you know that you know it will be safe to come out- it just takes awhile to find the key that unlocks the closet door, when that day comes- you will never ever ever ever be the same. Promise.

Carolyn said...

Thanks Shea and Jersey (it feels odd to call you that heh) for all the support and advice. It really does mean a lot to me.

Finding the key to the closet doors to my friends was easy. It's like playing a game and as the levels get harder the key is harder to find. I had to search quite a bit to tell three of my cousins.

Aww you two are like my blog family. Ok how corny/creepy did that sound? Sorry!

The Surprise Dyke said...

So not creepy or corny, we are a blog family!