Maybe I've been retreating into books again, maybe a bit too much. Granted locking myself up alone for two days and reading three books isn't as bad as the time I read five in three days. Every once in a while people become too much for me. It's not that I don't love my friends or family, I just need time to myself. Time to step back away from everyone. I just get overwhelmed having to communicate with people all day and then sometimes force myself to go out and have a good time. I swear I can be a little hermit.
It's not that once I force myself to go out I have a crappy time. Quite the opposite really, I usually end up having a great time. So why is it so hard for me to drag myself out? I've just been thinking too much I suppose. Another good reason I should never be left alone with my thoughts.
It's so conflicting when I feel like I want to belong somewhere, but I never quite fit. When I want to be around people, yet just want to be left alone at the same time. I remember my first day moving 1000 miles away to go to school. I remember meeting my RA who turned out to be one of my best friends for the next four years. During those four years I found myself in a way, or I guess more accurately, accept myself for who I was.
I think being back home becomes overwhelming at times. I still feel like I have to hide who I am, yet at work and with friends I am proud and out. There's still that part of me that dreads the day I have to tell my parents. My pharmacist keeps asking when I'm going to tell them, and all I can say is "No no no no, no way, not yet." And as confused as they are when I seem to do backflips into the closet, I don't think they quite understand why it's so hard for me.
I am the first generation of my family to be born in the U.S. My parents are very traditional and very strict Asians. Especially my mom. Growing up, I blindly accepted their way of thinking because that's how you see the world when you're a kid. I didn't understand the word gay until my mom saw Ellen DeGeneres on TV and commented on what a horrible person she was and that she was "sick". So I grew up thinking it was terrible and wrong. High school came and I broke free from their way of thinking. I read, I learned, I absorbed. I joined the marching band, jazz band, wind ensemble, orchestra, swam, played softball, just to get away. Just to get out.
Then college applications came around, and I can't quite remember what drove me to this decision, but I narrowed it down to Northern CA, Colorado, or Boston. I think a big part was I hated the heat haha. So off I ran into Colorado, where there were four seasons, and skiing! But that's a long story for another day.
It's not that I don't want to tell them. I think it's the fear that holds me back the most. Hearing my mom's reaction to prop 8 and how much she hated gays, really broke my heart. My family is such a big part of my life. I guess it doesn't sound like that from this entry but they are. I love my cousins, and I love my family, and it'd break my heart to lose them. A few of my cousins know and still love me all the same, but I think we're still concerned about how our parents will react.
It sucks, because my aunts push me as a role model. I know some of my cousins look up to me. I'm the one that loves to take them out and we go out for "cousin dinners" and movies. I know they love me, but it doesn't scare the shit out of me at the thought of losing such a big part of my life. I'm just not ready for that yet. I notice a few of them saying that things are 'gay' and they are starting to get the "being gay is wrong" vibe and I try and steer the younger ones clear of that. The ones that are 16 and up are out there protesting with me. heh.
The thing is I can't lie to my cousins. I don't know what I'd say if they asked. Would I be silent? Would I laugh it off? Would I tell them? I guess it's lucky they probably won't ever ask. Heh.